I forgave

Last evening I forgave W. for the mud  he had frown at me. I made an effort and tried to understand the reasons for his behavior.

When someone comes to you wanting to help and be present  you don’t yell at him, you don’t chase him away unless there isn’t an opened wound that you are trying to protect from being seen or touched. Unless there aren’t some reasons.

I was pushing away my mother because I missed her presence for an eternity.

One day in Chișinău, after the modeling wanderings,  I was in my little rented room, I heard someone knocking at the door, the door where no body knocked for a year. It was my mother. She came without having said anything. I was in pain, scared and crying.

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I didn’t open.

When she left I could’t control myself. I was shaking and crying. My real self was talking to me:  you did’t open the door to your mother even thought this hug is what you’ve always wanted. This is the darkness you’ve known as a life but we can find the way back to light.

This is what I’ve been doing since.

Sometimes it is just too painful to be touched or seen.

I was sad and angry  while W. was yelling at me or at my colleagues but I had the spiritual presence and I did not act on it. I just turned around and continued working. I chose silence and distance for some days as a form of love and understanding. I gave him time to come back.

Today was the first time when we looked each other in the eyes, the first time after the last conflict.

He has clear blue eyes. His body and  spirit is ruthless. He is anorexia like skinny. He has about 50-55 years. Strong arms and protruding veins. He has two sons, as far as I know, of about 35-38 years.(I hope that he knows for sure how many). The mother of the sons was never mentioned or alluded to.  The words he addresses to others are a reflection of the dialog he has with himself. He believes that work will give him value and acceptance in the society. Through work he got himself up. He is convinced of being part of a class of low people, Fußleute, as I heard him mentioning. He keeps repeating that. He transformed his weakness or fear into a brand and he uses it to get in touch easily with people. If you come one time at the restaurant and he serves you, you are going to love him. He  knows how to turn the occasion into an event. And I do understand why he is getting so angry when I, or the others, commit a slight mistake or change in the order of things. His success, his life depends on this system. You don’t interfere without being burned.

I understood all that.

Even if he is living and working at this hotel for more that 14 years I feel an emotional distance between him and the older owners.  Chef here, Chef there, bring more salad for the Chef, let me heat up this sauce for the Chef. Maybe he had to fight for respect and by working in a close to madness tempo he succeed to convince them about his worth. One must respect that.

I forgive myself for each time I choose to stay in the dark.  I understand what it means. It means that I still need time to grieve and recover.

But today my heart is full of joy because I managed to stay in the middle of a conflict. I didn’t go away.

There are still some weeks for me to be here. I will continue doing my job as good as I can and also I will continue approaching each situation with understanding and love. I already envisioned myself hugging everyone on my departure day.

I understood my mother and father. I forgave everything. Growing up in Moldova was not fun not only because of the material difficulties but most of all, for me, because of the severe exile that my life was. I was not seen. I was not understood. My parents were so preoccupied with surviving in the material world, absorbed by that collective consciousness of a nation.  A nation preoccupied with weekend revolutions and festivals so that on Monday everybody could go back to the underpaid job. In Moldova one is happy to even have such a job to go to. I did it also for a while. And it is still going on like that. There is no time for feeling.  My parents did not have time also.

I forgave because I understood.

If you are involved in a conflict with someone or yourself, please, stop anything, change the perspective, live the life of the other person for a moment, try to understand and forgive.

 

 

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