The fascination of being uncomfortable

These days being uncomfortable is a brave choice.

A step out of the scenario. Peeking  into the abyss of the self.

Our world is a landscape full of possibilities trying to get into your system and never let you go. Just a few examples: selfies and self admiration craze, success, dramma of any kind, relationships vending machine style, addictions (food, alcohol, drugs,cigarettes), marriages, carriers.

But the most harmful comfort nests in  our minds.

You suffer because of a situation, a remark, a comment, a dramatic accident, loss, a rejection etc. This is supposed to mean that you were not ready yet to go over to the next level. Instead of accepting the fact that you have to learn each day and search for a meaning in the things that happen in your reality, what do you do? You either get “happy”, or start bulling everyone around and picture the darkest world possible and  you never again try to move on and accept your non speciality in comparison to the essence of  other human beings.

You get stuck and repeat the most suitable mantra :

“I am different” ” I am special” “I suffered so much” “I need you to love me now” “I am not capable” “I am a douchebag and never will finish anything” ” I am not loved” “I am not understood nor accepted the way I am”, “I am too old” “I can’t work with other people, we just don’t get along”

This is comfortable.

All you have to do is to keep telling yourself shit and you will stay in the shit which after a while will become normal and even cosy. You woulnd’t even notice the pungent odour or the fact that you are rotting.

I was thinking about my  need to feel uncomfortable yesterday as my colleague was talking about a polish friend of his who is living in a tent, by the lake . At night he goes at home in the tent, during the day he is working in the office. He is washing himself in the lake and I suppose he is cooking by the fire.

This is quite a striking  dichotomy and also an encouraging one. You would expect people working in an office being all hungry for promotions on the corporate ladder. Maybe, to a certain extent it is so, but things are changing. This person is trying to get out of the system in a rather dramatic way and he is making a journey, a personal self understanding journey. It might be craziness but let’s leave it to him, this is his moment of truth. Maybe one day he will talk about it, or maybe his life from now on will take an equally dramatic turn and he will become the pillar, the leader of himself knowing that he is present within himself, leading the way. He can leave by the lake in a strange country and he is fine.

Last time I was talking about marriage. And if you have read attentively, I was referring to a particular kind of marriage- the commitment to yourself.

Committing to be present within yourself and not to waste your human energy is uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable but fascinating.

I am sure that if one person commits to his or her own human value, curiosity and possibility- that person will find a way to connect for real with other persons. And from there there’s lots of fun.( because we are hilarious if human and not afraid to show it).

How do you arrive to the point when you want to commit to yourself?

Well, you go and “live by the lake”  first, you stop the self hating talk, you let yourself see your reality as part of a whole, you learn to take care of your body in a kind manner not because you can get something out of it . In time  you will start loving  the feeling of being connected to yourself and to someone else. Than you will go and talk to your parents and ask the questions that were never asked. You will start looking for the meaning of your feelings in relation to other people so that you could understand what’s the next homework for you.

I often think about the  boss I had while an employee for an Italian company. He was a deeply disturbed and neglected person. A sad and heavy feeling overwhelmed me each time he was visiting Moldova. He was trying to be happy. He had a lot of possible reasons: his properties, his cars, his business, his apparently functional family.  But the way he spoke and acted was hinting to an approaching crash. Which eventually did arrive.This is his moment of truth, one of them, I am sure.

And I ask myself, where did his commitment go wrong? In order to achieve all these goods on your plate you have to be consistent, work, compete with the others and believe that you want it all, that you are doing it for a good reason.

When did he become a sad, angry and rotting person?

I think it occurred when he became greedy. He started using his apparent power to get even more and he ignored the voice of the truth and the calling for light and simple connection.

As you can see, committing to yourself is as tricky and complicated as a marriage is.It is also a blessing just like marriages can be.

So, how do you commit in such a manner that you don’t have your brains sucked into greediness (emails, clients,bosses,carriers, friends, family engagements, colleagues, traditions)  and start making selfies in the bathroom?

My answer to that is that you choose from the very beginning to be curious about the journey, to choose kindly and to drop expectations. A stoic mind and body is required. Lot’s of compassion and letting go. Love the light more than anything.

To be a self who is also aware of the void but determined to look further, passing through it as many times as it comes.

Because it comes.

This is uncomfortable but fascinating.

Please, try it at home.

rusia (13).JPG
The place where my father used to sleep. He was working in Russia for the sake of his family and also for his life. With commitment. Just like millions of Moldovans are doing.  The world is cruel but loving each other makes it an adventure. Give your love and compassion. Our fathers and mothers are out there… 




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