I know that the holiness of a being is intimidating.
Jesus is intimidating in his holiness and wholeness. Love is intimidating. Real human connection is intimidating these days.
If you ask yourself, with the most simple sincerity, what would Jesus do now? Now when I am being disregarded or laughed at, disrespected or treated not as expected , or forgotten, what would he do? If you ask, you might get an answer.
Jesus would turnt the other cheek, we are told. Because he is ego less. He managed to fight all of his demons. He is the soul of the humanity presented in a recognizable form, in flesh.I don’t know if this a story invented by the people who wanted badly to see to the deepness of the human nature and to believe still that we are more than blood, bones and flesh. And so they came up with this creature called Jesus who can take all the bull***** of the world and wash it away. Jesus can do that, he knows that someone has his back at all times. He can declare with confidence I am the son of God. I have a purpose here and nothing will stop me to fulfill my destiny.
Now, if one of us, nowadays, starts telling people that he or she is Jesus or Jesus like-the poor thing will be eaten alive. It will be declared schizofrenic with multiple personalities.It will be given medicine and locked away from the public.Or, a most painful situation- it will be ignored and treated with the kind of respect that librarians or teachers, or secretaries get. You just want them to stay away after they have given you what you needed. A book, a high mark, an answer.
What is to be done?
We have to find a balance between being saint and the daily life among other people.
Which is damn difficult.
It is difficult because people, compared to the son of God, are distrustful.
Our human mind, adapted to the present life and separated from the spirit, is always looking for something to do to fill the void up and to avoid any kind of meditative state.
The mind is influenced by the ego which is scanning all day long for thoughts to bring up and make you crave the feeling of fulfillment. And so we start wanting more connections, more attention, more relations, more money, more entertainment, more food for entertainment, more sex, more clothes, a greater carrier and more people who appreciate everything we. Fulfillment never comes in this way. It comes the Jesus way-through suffering.
It is difficult because we don’t get what we want and we are often disappointed.
For example, there was this new HR employee, a recruiter from Croatia.I spoke with him for the first time in the employee room He had just a few days since the arrival and, just like me during the initial time, was trying to find a place to rent and calm down.
Since that episode I met him on the hallways from time to time. I asked how he was doing, did he finally find a place? Is everything fine? He did find it and he managed to changed it already a few times. He was broke also, because here you have to pay one month in advance and also an emergency deposit, which is kind of difficult to gather if you hop from one place to another. Actually, he did mention that now he must be a magician to survive, to eat at least. I listend and decided that the best thing to say was: just take it step by step. After some more time, I saw him again. He was sitting on the sofa, in a hall, working. I asked how was he doing, did he like the job and the atmosfere ? He said that everything was fine. His appearance was not transmitting the same message. I was about to enter the office but heard him saying, actually I am disappointed.
I never saw him again after that.
Here is another example. It is Christmas time, right? I suppose many of you are getting ready for the presents, the food, the free time, the corporate or friends party, the family gatherings.
I also expected to get a nice, at least normal, present after the Secret Santa session of this year. This is a game played at the office where you pick up a note with the name of a colleague. You are supposed to be the Secret Santa for that person, meaning, you are going to put a present under the Christmas tree for him/her without saying who is it from.
As I am not used to getting presents or anything for free I was expecting it with a kind of excitement. It came towards the end of the giving present time. It was not what I expected. I was deeply dissapointed.
By the nature of the gift I understood who was my secret santa. After thinking what would be the best way to react I just left it on his desk. He was one of the dysfunctional Italians whom I work with.
I do believe that me coming here and having to deal with this people, particularly them, is not a mistake. I am supposed to face my deepest pain, my shadow. I get that and still, these people really make me loose the tini -tyni hope that we are getting somewhere.
One of the Italians disappeared since last week. He left behind only trouble. The schedule had to be modified a few times, people from other teams had to be put on the line, to make sure that the service is provided to the client. We are talking about the Italian who was dreaming about getting married as soon as possible because he wanted to close a gap created by his parents recent separation.Because deep down all he wants is connection. He left the job but did not shy away from a party with his other companions, when weed was smoked and the alcohol washed away their consciousness.
The managers and the team leaders covered his disappearance with silence. Again this f****ing silence in the moments when a little bit of empathy and opening would be highly needed.We were pushed into the new situation and asked to adapt.
I hate silence when there are things to be said.When there are questions to me made and answers to get. It makes me feel sick. It makes me remember the pain I come from. I hate the immaculate, fake respect or fake politeness And this is one of the reasons I chose to talk here. If you ever wonder why am I so open in this blog, this is the reason-because I need to understand what is behind the silence. Because I feel that someone has to start being open and ready to talk about anything and not avoid the reality by using unattainable, human factor excluding ideals.
My father reads this blog too. He ended his email to me, after having read On neutral territory, with:
Isus este calea, adevărul și viața. Jesus is the way, the truth, the life.
Foto: Alexander Volosin
My thoughts to this, after years of thinking : all right, I understand what you are pointing at, dear father, but how the hell do you do that in real life?
How do you apply this idealistic view on a terrestrial situation? How do I do that? I know that Jesus is the way , the truth and the life but what do I do with my pain or the shame of having a body and a menstruation? What do I do when all I get for Christmas is a vibrator, bought form a sex shop by a sex obsessed colleague who is a point in life when his sexuality is a toy to play with, when I have to work with him and treat him with respect? How do I convince people that having worked as a model does not mean that I was a prostitute? Do I shut up and hide that period of my life or do I rise to the occasion and propose an open dialog, talking about my choice to be a model in real life situations not on a runway? Talking about my difficulties and weaknesses? How do I understand and heal the pain of being always the stranger?
How do I do that father?
And this is when I asked myself: What would LOVE do?
Love would be open and sincer with this colleague. Would talk about being hurt, sad and dissapointed. Love would ask him to reconsider his actions and remind him that they have consequences. Love would treat him with kindness because he has an extremely difficult fight to go through. Love would even help by encouraging the light inside of this poor thing , addressing to that luminous and kind aspect of his being. Love would not act from anger.
And so I did.
Can you feel my heart beat now?
It is strong and fighting. It is the heart of Jesus who is being born again this night. He is coming back every year not going to make it easy for anyone of us who is avoiding the light of the soul.
Merry Christmas to me and to you.
May our hearts unite in light.