Malheur

During the past few days I have been observing an over occurring emotion, steaming through the damp holiday season- Discontentment.

People feeling disappointed  by the authorities, the rule keepers if not the makers.Why is this happening? What is to be done? Do the leaders decide really everything?

Let’s take an example out of the ordinary malheur of my reality.

Meet M. Over 40, coming from a village close to the sea, Italy. Starting a small business in his home town, repairing PC’s, installing and maintaining printers in this little locality. Married, a child.

Things do not go very well at home and so he decides to divorce and start anew in Thailand. Arrived there he begins again to put together his picture of a normal life: gets married with a local woman, tries to make some money by starting again a micro business, makes a child again.

Things don’t get well again.

M. decides to divorce and hits the road. M. walks, walks through the darkness, through wind and storms and finally he arrives, very disappointed, tired and hopeless to Brno, Czech Rep.

M.is sitting now at this desk, 2 steps away in front of me.

He is hardly moving. Facebook is always on, if there is nothing to do he jumps to it scrolling for hours. M is also distrustfully hunting for a new job. Sometimes he takes a tour of the office, looking for someone to complain to. Sometimes he stops next to a desk and stops there. (Just a remark, he is not un fiorentino, who are well know for their profound discontentment with everything that does not exist yet but it should, or if it does, with the very act of it’s existence).  Ask him how is he doing, he will say OK, but…

Sometimes he turns his chair around, the right hand held in a very dandy way, the bourgeois -sipping -tea- in -the -afternoon like, and stares out into the space. He can see the roof of the building where he lives now.  The nail of the small finger is long, as I have seen in Shanghai. In China this is a sign of being out of the plebeian society, it is a sing of being well off. What is it supposed to mean here?  He is also nailing me at times with his spent eyes, as if I am supposed close the pandora box of his soul and make the suffering go away. I asked him to please not do it, but he chose to transform it in some kind of courting dance.

M. has been working here for more than a  year, since the project was set up, and according to his mindset things were better before. At the beginning there were managers who did something (came into the office at least), they had the answers if you asked, they organised the time better. Now you hardly see them. The team leader is spreading his obligations among the L1 employees and takes days off. M. has asked for a raise of the salary months ago. The inevitable negative answer is being postponed, masked by a slight coating of sugary positive possibility. M. has asked to be transferred into an different project, but his request was refused. He is feeling trapped and used at the lowest of his potential because his managers alone do not function at their best capacity, as well. Everything is measured and given in portions if money is allocated.

I do have to agree that a certain feeling of exasperation exists, walking through the corporate desert (for more than the 40 biblical days) without any oasis in sight. It is disappointing and hard on your nerves.

But I ask myself, why to even expect from them to act in better ways if you alone are not doing it?

It is understandable that after having tried many times to make it work and arriving always at the same conclusion,one looses the desire to move on, on one hand, but on the other hand one it is given the possibility to ask himself some questions and make adjustments, it does not mean that the world is totally lost.

M. has this belief now that someone should come to give him everything that he needs  just because he agreed to be present during the contracted hours and to be paid well for his (obscure) presence. (Will more money satisfy him? Hmm I strongly doubt it).

Just because in the past he used to have a certain degree of success with his businesses and maybe he is really cleaver and has a great time surfing the technological labyrinth, he feels entitled to more money, more respect, more understanding. But why does’t he speak better English and not the broken elementary version? Why does’t he become the way he wants his life to be? Why doesn’t he search for what he needs in other places if, after n trials, these managers are not giving him what he is worth? Maybe these leaders are blind and can’t make out M’s uniqueness.It is possible.

Well, you might have understood that M is lost in a loop, in a negativ mindset scanning only for what is wrong. And he is just a small example outlined here. There are millions of people operating on this negative thinking system. Even the gighi-gighi-bum-bum Italian affronted M once, after an exchange of remarks  when M. answered in his perfect sulking manner, saying  : Ma c’e’ l’hai qualcosa di positivo nella tua vita?! Eh!

The remarks bumped into each other at that moment revealing a similar things- they are both unfulfilled and distrustful only that one is passively letting time go, infecting his environment  with over -intellectualized, rarefied negative thoughts, the other one is trying to escape the feeling by banging paid women, drinking and taking drugs.He thinks that he is living the life.

Two meters away we have an advanced case – O., who is already in the stage of talking to himself and not giving a f**** of the giggles around, talking to the PC, asking for clarifications in case he did not understand some action of his artificial friend. Arriving in the morning and finding something moved on his desk he grabs the phone and slams it once or twice. The other day he started, all of a sudden, to say f****, f****, f****.

Anyway, the working day continued it’s course in the most natural way, undisturbed just like the river Amazone reassuringly does.

The other Italian who dissipated from the floor was also disappointed by the state of the world and the office. For a while he did play the game, meandering like a lazy snake, sometimes dancing and singing in his mother language while on duty.

I also get caught by the this negative fever at times but I do not like the heaviness of it and I try to get rid of it as fast as I can.Once you start observing your own thoughts passing through your head, you have the possibility to choose which one will be part of your reality.

I do not longer wait or expect for the leaders to fulfill my expectations or needs. If it happens I am pleased and say thank you. If it does’t I do not consider them stupid, just overwhelmed but the heaviness of their own mental and physical life.

I stopped expecting it long ago when I understood that my parents were not gods, they could not create the life that I wanted or needed. When I understood that my teachers did not know everything. Moldova was in survival mode at that time, as well as the majority of the population continues to be now.

Yes, it hurts but this is it. You really have to do it yourself, be awake, be present, fulfill your own needs, look for experiences which are emotionally charged and dive into the depth of your own world, be understanding but do not waste your time and energy when acting like a small child pulling the skirts of the mother. Get to know your limits.

The authorities are in charge of the political or economical state but they do not  control your mind and your ability to adapt to the changes. The managers are managing you during the contracted hours, but they can not manage your passion, your curiosity, your spirit.

When I was little the books were my friends, my entertainment, my teachers. One of them told me: do things well even when nobody is watching. Ever since I tried to follow this advice and my experience on Earth has improved a lot, it became more real. I became the director and the casting manager.

All of on us acting in constructive ways will create an environment of trust, an environment in which the buds of hope, humanity , friendship and love existing in each of us, will feel free to blossom day by day, year by year.

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Talking care of each other. Food for the birds hanging in the tree during winter. Brno.

 

 

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