Encore!

In the name of  humanity, freedom and life- here I am again!

The past few days have been difficult. My sister is going through a loss and we as a family are feeling it. In silence, gathered in a tight embrace, coming together in spirit, we are facing that what is.

It has been difficult also because my body, once again, was forced to be here. It called me back, asking me to be present in it. Because of my past experiences, I am used to detaching from what is painful, wondering about into space. The sky is no limit. I can fly and I can die as much as I want to, in my mind. I felt weak, confused, my problem with the back became more poignant and my spirit was, thus, forced again to take the lead.

I pray before I go to work. I pray for patience and compassion and an X-ray understating of what is going on underneath.

Who do I pray to? To the spirit we are all made of.

……………..

I held my breath for a moment and then I said the obvious: But why don’t you talk about it?

The clear, big eyes of my (apparently:)) inocent Portuguese colleague were nailing me in wonder. As if the thought, which I just put into words, was revolutionary.

It was late afternoon in the office. People coming and going to take their lunch or to smoke on the terrace. The Portuguese, the Mexican and the Italian colleagues were going though their daily drill. I have been here for a few months now and their complaining about their team leader (the self imposed King of the Jungle) is getting  unavoidable.For me at least.

I have been observing them talking about how he is not able to help them, to answer to their questions, how unprepared he is technically, how protective he is with the Spanish guy who is never present and still gets all the benefits and trust, how he dissipates as soon as 4 pm arrives. They talk about it as soon as he is out of the door. Among themselves and they never address the issue itself.Why?

The Mexican, who from now on will be called the Instigator, likes to sprinkle salt on wounds. As soon as their non acclaimed Leader is out of the door he will be the first one to point it out. “He left again at 3pm! Is he gone already?”

I wonder, does he really like to uncover the wounds or maybe this is his survival method? What if the real reason consists of his own tension, his own insecurity that caused his obsession with observing and keeping alert his self defense instincts to the degree that now this is what he does for a living-puts other people down to make himself feel better.

His mind is scanning the environment. As soon as he detects a threat he goes into it, becomes a friend only to get close and suck some information about what might be wrong.When the threat is not in sight he will comment on his findings, make jokes and the air will get pregnant with his self hate, his disbelief and regret. He will roast the victim on a slow and sulking screw (“Hey S, are you still living with your mother?”, “What happened ? Is this the period of the month when women go crazy?”, “Are you coming to the team building? -to the muslim, married colleague”).

He does that just to keep it away from him. To bring himself in that secure state which he is looking for.If you put it like that, you could feel compassion and have a little more understanding for him. He seems to be stuck in high school or even in boarding school.

The young  Italian who crosses the line, so many times, in disrespectful ways ,believing that he has it all solved out because he has the wit and the demanding presence of an adult, is amazingly tolerant with the behavior of the Leader.

He is used to being neglected.Would it be too much to say that he needs this kind of dynamics in order to feel comfortable, to be on fire every day all day? He does’t know how to behave when respected and listened to. When his deeper, humane needs are addressed in a gentle, non intruding way he jumps out of himself and he becomes obscene and even childish. I tried being a friend. He gave me a vibrator instead. He would kill his mother if she would do something to his computer.(he said it, with the very serious and frozen voice he has). What did they do to you?, I ask myself. What did they do to you?

The witty Portuguese, who is a gentle and light person, singing and sometimes dancing on his chair, said: This is how it is. Why should we talk about it? There is nothing to do about it. When their savage boss is not present he is taking the lead. He is doing a good job because he learnt by doing. In the beginning nobody knew how to solve the problems and they had to get out of the rut. He was one of the pioneers. Just over an year ago.

I listened to them but I could not believe that this is it. If they never tried to call the Leader out they can’t know what will happen.The thing is that, since we are all working together, this is not an isolated issue. It dissolves into the atmosphere, into the energy of the room, it is affecting all of us like a virus. You get it and you loose the motivation, you become afraid, pathetic. Once the problematic Leader is gone they relax by falling back into the pattern of complaining to each other about what was wrong today.

I made that question because I think and feel that we have to make the unconformable questions if we want to get out of the smog. And sometimes we need someone to do it for us. A friend who is not asking you direct, strong and impactful questions is not doing a good job and you should reconsider their friendship.

I will keep on trying and I will keep on making questions. Just to see what it happens if not for any other functional reason.When people feel that they are seen, they always want to be better and this moves the world a little bit in a positive direction.

Be the one asking, be present, respect your life. Do respectful actions. Find admirable friends and become the same for yourself.

Everything will be as it should be.

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P.S  At home, in Hîncești, Moldova, the mother rabbit built a wall of grass, she made a kind of nest for the new born little rabbits. My parents still don’t know how many they are! And the two cats are saying hello as well!

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