Party in hell or float in heaven?

That is the question.

That was the question yesterday in the office among the German team. Why the hell would someone even consider going to heaven if there is nothing to do but float on clouds ?

“I am anyway not going to heaven now!” said the team leader, the angry girl. The Romanian agreed, “Better party in hell, drink and have fun!”

I could not believe my ears. Sadness bloomed in my heart.

If these young people, moving fast towards their 30s, are thinking like this, what are the little ones doing? What are their parents doing? What have they done to these young adults when there was still time to talk to them for real? What are we, as a society, doing?  Why not choosing the good? Why not help and be present?

I have an answer.

Because it is difficult. It is fucking difficult to be a great person, as my grandmother told me to become the last time I saw her. I took it seriously. Maybe she didn’t know that I would but I take words seriously. (Because they are alive and they have magical powers, that is why).

Integrity. Respect. Passion. Truth. More Passion.Clarity. No, that is not a political campaign slogan. These are concepts that young people today are having a hard time understanding not to talk about nurturing and putting into practice.

They believe that heaven is boring.

Integrity is boring? Respect is boring? Passion is boring? Truth is boring? Clarity is boring?

Someone more insightful understands that hell and heaven are mental concepts referring to a particular emotional, physical, psychological state. There is no up and down, left or right in that state. These are terrestrial concepts used by people to understand the world, to measure it, to put into order. We are not good at living on Earth without directions, rules and rulers.

Going to hell does not mean that you go down. It does not mean that one has a dark soul. Or will be fried in the same wok as their enemy. Forever. The soul can’t be dark because it is an extension of Love, of God. It means that one did not choose to act according to their fullest possibilities. It means that one chose to stop evolving and so get strangulated by the mind itself. It means choosing fear.

Going to heaven does not mean going up. Or being a saint. Or floating on clouds. One does not have to go to monastery or not laugh, not have fun or not saying fuck when angry. It means getting the idea of what Love is doing, and taking part in this rather funny experiment. It means playing, letting it go. There is no gain but the experience of being here and going through this training camp. As my father would say, passing the exam. It means choosing love.

And when I say love I do not separate the bad and the good. The dark which must be hated, the good which must be loved. No. Love, according to me, encapsulates all of these. Love is just as strong as Fear. We chose because we have will. And that is the purpose of game. To see what are we going to do and how far can we go!

I know that I am not going to change the minds of my colleagues and I don’t have to, it is part of their training. What I can do is to get strong and  knowledgeable at my game.

My journey until now has been very interesting precisely because I listened to my heart. I talk very often about my experience with the fashion industry because that industry gulped a great part of my energy. It was like a stage in a game that I had to pass through and go over. Just do it. I did not live the most delightful days during those years but there was something inside of me, some kind of happiness and lightness that assured me. Light. Not the first time we met.

I felt that I had to be there. It was very difficult to let it go because that experience, that job, was everything I thought I had before even trying to think that there is more out there. I was afraid. I was stagnating emotionally and mentally. That was hell. And not the first time we met.

It was such an important experience for me as a human being. I did not look for it, it just came to me one day while walking on the streets of Constanța, going to buy food for the woo-woo lady I was taking care of. It was not the only significant experience, just very impactful because it engaged my physical body, my mental power, my emotional universe.

The next day after the dead body of the old Romanian lady was taken away, I slept on her bed. Because I had to. Nowhere else to go. Her family came finally to bury her. And share her belongings, as they did immediately.  A few days before, she was lying on the very same bed, dying, while I was in my room preparing for the next contract with China. On the night of her death it was only me and her. I gave her water with a spoon. She had white saliva all around her mouth.

I light the candle after.

I was watching the dead body while writing.

She did not die alone. I was there.

The house was so quit suddenly. As if dropped at the bottom of the sea.

Pondering. Crossing layers. In Hancești, Moldova.

This is just an example of layers, of hell and heaven, crossing each other.

My point is – we have tremendous power. We contain hell and heaven at the same time. Our will is the anchor thrown into that sea. It means making a choice and learning through that choice.

Moving on after.

And that is fucking interesting not only difficult.



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