#Blitzlove

Why do I stay circumspect with people from the family circle?

Because it creates that staying comfortable which becomes deeply uncomfortable. That is not a direction I want to go. It does not match with my deepest desire of discovering the world inside of me, thus outside of me.

I do not like patting on my head when I feel shitty. I can take a break to spend time with me, but then a solution must be found. Inside a familiar pattern this is so hard to realize.

The family, at large, holds an energy that is pushing me away. I am not interested in surface things as long as there is no healthy root that could sustain and heal the surface, whenever it is needed. Read: I am not into wedding videos or dresses  nor shoes nor into chatting about other people’s lives and how stupid they are, nor into complaining about what is wrong or how difficult the job. (Be thankful you have it, start from there and give it a meaning ). I want solutions and actual work done, from myself in the first place. I am done with complaining or feeling disregarded. Victoria, just do your fucking job as good as you can. If it does’t serve your purpose just step away.

Families tend to bury issues for the sake of  good looking surface.  That, for me, is very sick.

I am respectful for the effort my parents and my grandparents, grand grand parents did in order to survive hard lives. I go back to that feeling to remind me that the present is not real. This rejection of resilience makes me sick. What happened to that? How come people now expect for things to appear in their lives without actually doing something? How come is OK to complain about this and that and that other thing without realizing that this is self strangulation?

 

Asian resilience. Shanghai, Xujiahui Park. A metro station away from where I lived.

I am not a savior. I am Victoria in constant change. Just looking around trying to build this life. I chose to share my thoughts here because I am a writer. This is how life becomes real for me. I am also really tired of all of this pretending (ex. perfect social media appearances). Have some realness now. It might do good.

Don’t come to me hoping to fix you or make shit smell better.

I don’t like the smell of shit either.

I am Lovegenerator yes, but I concentrate on shit on my path. At least now. So please don’t add to it. Don’t use my “goodness” for your personal metal hygiene. It is not going to work.

Instead, come to me with an open heart, share your story just for the sake of sharing and learning together. Help me. Work with me. Be real.

………………………………………….

The Martian is talking to me. In a kind of German. She felt that I am nurturing each and every of my inputs towards her. I am in this way encapsulating us both in love. What I see in her, that helplessness, is what I despise in me. Because it is not real, or a mere coping mechanism. What I can do is to respond positively and encouraging. She breaks into tears each time the situations are too much for her. Which is understandable, the way she got this job is not a method I would chose or advise others to follow. Again, one may have family and friends pulling strings but this is short lived. Families and friends are not training your resilience or perseverance. Doing the actual work does.

…………………………………….

The angry girl might be less angry if she finally get’s the idea of not being alone. Team work. She might have lived situations when her resilience and perseverance were abused. She might have forgotten that opening up and asking for help is the way to go when working with people. I am going to help her with the mini-garden that she wants to grow on the roof of the building.There is a little square with soil. We are going to plant some flowers and herbs. Let’s see how it goes. If the garden dies, at least she will know that she wasn’t alone there.

………………..

We should stop trying to get happy. There is no switch to change the program. Not even a cream nor a pair of shoes or a car. What needs to be switched is the mind.

……………………

I gave a book to the little angry Italian. I gave him Less then zero, of which I spoke in a previous post. He might like it. My purpose in doing that is to allude to a world, that of imagination and creativity, that he might like. I feel that he has that grain of light inside. He acts like 50 now because he is trying to compensate for the missing parts in his life:  security and protection.

……………………………………………………………

I hear a lot of complaining about having jobs that suck. My answer to that- maybe you suck at it and you don’t like you sucking? Maybe it is time to have a different job, this one is obviously not helping you to uncover your (hidden) talent. There might be an emotional vampire inside of you, draining your energy, attracting more vampires. Concentrate on that, get better and change the job while transforming yourself.

………………………………………….

I understand what you mean when saying that there is no God.

You realized that you still have to do things by yourself, clean your own ass, work, pay bills, get up, you realized that things don’t materialize just like that and this makes you feel abandoned. You realized that your parents are not perfect and the world at large is broken. You ask, where is God now. Let me ask you this, where are you now?

Of course you can’t control everything, not even what will happen tomorrow. But you definitely can get a stronger hold of your mind/emotions/physical presence.

God does’t have anything to do with the things you decide to do. Nor the consequences.

He created you and gave you will.

……………………………………………………………

Please stop treating animal as if they were plastic dolls.

Please don’t dress your dog. He really does’t need it.

Please don’t make them replace absent child or marriages etc.  If you want a child -make a child, or adopt one if you can’t. If you want a partner- try to find one and deal with the emotional mess inside of you, which is stopping you from getting close to human beings.

Just leave the animals alone.

……………………………………………………….

Love is  stronger than anger, fear, stupidity. I am too.

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