I feel that it is time for a second round of self re-mapping. Here we go:
You said that you missed connecting with people for a long time. How are you dealing now with the effects of your desire to connect in an authentic way?
I am on the right way, balancing both connection and disconnection. I am experimenting with it. Last weeks I was feeling overwhelmed though, just to give an example. There were a couple of new comers in the office. It takes energy to get in sync fast with a completely new person. To help them understand what are we doing at work. Why are we doing it like this. Why are we doing a good job not only the job. At one point there were two new colleagues around me observing. The voices on the phone. The voices around me. It was too much after a while.Too much connection.
But I really tried to help and encourage them. Yesterday, this new girl was complaining about having to call the store again, having to speak with someone who, she felt, was unangenehm, annoying. But this is what we have to do in order to solve the issues. We talk, at times, with annoying, angry, yelling, people. How do you make someone new see that there is no other option.
All we can influence is our own attitude. I tried to explain her that we don’t engage emotionally when the emotions are drifting us towards darkness. Neutrality is a good attitude in this case. But this is difficult for someone who is taking everything personally, as this girl seems to do.
I was afraid of the phone initially, you might remember. But if I go deeper, I was afraid of me not being able to manage all those voices. It started long ago. Loud voices asking constantly for this and that and that. Only when I throw myself into it, just let me fall into the unknown and let my instincts guide me, only then I managed to find my way up.
You spoke about being quite circumspect regarding family circles?Expand on that.
Yes I am circumspect. I am circumspect about everything. About my self in the first place. Things change. Circumstances change. What remains is only the energy of your living.
The story of me as part of a family, at large, not only parents and sister, is quite strange(maybe normal). I was like a ghost in the family. My uncles and aunts ignored me. That is what I felt at least. My grand parents as well. Or, let me say, they were consumed by the reality at that time (at all times!) and did not take into account that someone was watching them. Someone quite critical and inquisitive, I do admit it. If they wanted to know about me, they would talk to my parents. But I was there the whole time! Listening. I remember the times when we would gather around the table, after a long day of work on the field during gathering season, or in the garden, or at the house and I would feel invisible. There were discussions about politics, economy, external issues of all sorts. But not the internal issues. In private it was discussed in a totally different way.
So, after a while, I just gave up wanting them to see me. To approve of me. I decided to stand up and walk on my way.
I am thankful for having parents like mine. They don’t try to stop me. I am making a clear point during our conversations that freedom of mind and action is a basic right of every human being. The right to make mistakes. Thus, mine too. I do not hold them accountable for anything. I do not expect them to create the illusion of happiness if that is not the case. Realness is what I appreciate and take in consideration. I wish all the best to all aunts, uncles, cousins and their children, the kind people I met in Italy, while walking this road of mine. I really can’t do it any other way.
Why are you leaving this present job where you seem to learn a lot?
I am leaving it because this is what I came here for. One year of intense work on self issues and relationships with other people. One year invested in silence, clarity, stillness, simplicity, curiosity.
I would have stayed longer if my direction would’t have been as it is. I am working on committing to a valuable life.
How do you feel about changing again the circumstances of the game?
I am quite excited even though I have no idea about what will happen. Not knowing is exciting! One thing is clear – I will continue to generate love everywhere I go.
You started writing this blog an year ago, even more, what has changed since then in your state?
The reason I started sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences through this blog is actually very simple. I gave myself a last change before deciding if I really want to be done with this life. Death has constantly been on my mind, it is such an attractive point for me. I am very aware of this presence. But I came to feeling that maybe not knowing how to live makes me want to disappear. So, after years of meditating on this matter I decided to take a last turn- quite a radical one for me. I am not a showman, but I do find real joy in alleviating the burden of other people by making them laugh, or find a different perspective, or inspire them to change, inspire them to regard the unknown with curiosity.
The second reason I started writing here is to create a space for me where I could experience with words. I would see an evolution in my way of thinking and feeling. I would let my parents know what I believe in, for real and that I am still here.
Why are the posts disappearing from your FB feed?
I use FB for this purpose- to let you know that I wrote something again.
I delete the posts after a while because I want to remind myself that only the present moment matters. To not cling on to the past, only use it as a starting point for the next step. I do hold dear the little likes I get from my few precious readers. (In case you were wondering).
Aren’t you missing your parents? You have not seen them in almost 2 years.
I have arrived into a state when missing is not causing void in me. Calling me back home. I do love my parents and they know it. I do love my sister and she knows it. Plus, I do have a strong reason for being out into the world. This is my calling.
Moldova, as a country and culture, needs strong willed people, enthusiastic, intelligent, open minded, healthy people. Moldova needs hopeful people. People who know themselves. This can be achieved only by being expose to diversity. I tried to live there but I could not manage it financially and emotionally, as simple as that. I could not support my physical being, no money for food. That’s right. So, not able to even think about growing into the being I wanted to become. The family I come from if it does’t have money, it has a lot of dreams and glass castles.
Last year this time you were in Germany, on the shore of River Moselle, in Zeltingen-Rachtig cleaning and serving tables, dealing with W., the little Vietnamese cooks melting away in the hot kitchen. How did this experience affect your present?
That job made me more resilient. It reminded me of my first experience with Germany in Frankfurt am Main. Both experiences left deep signs on my soul. Overall, Germany helped me become conscious of what I want and don’t want. For now, I don’t want to be there.