This is the second part of my conversation with Valeriu, my father, regarding his journeys into desperation.
I thank him for having accepted to open up to me, to all of us, and spoke about his feelings and thoughts. My hope now, after having shared this bubble of silenced pain, is that we will be all more courageous, more daring in our every day lives, choosing to stay when it is difficult. Choosing to figure things out instead of retreating. This questions would also help in foreseeing a future self: Who should I be now in order to manage this situations?
By looking at things in this way one might detect the need to open up, to start acting differently, to start talking, to start asking, to go places one never goes, talk to people one never talks. I am also doing it. By having my mind and my soul open to difference I am allowing life to happen.
The other day I was in small local supermarket. It was early in the morning, shortly after 7 am. There were a few other customers, the store employees getting the shelves ready, me and a drunk men.
He was covered in shit and piss. His pants were clogged with dirt. His skin was covered by an oily, black something.
It stank like shit.
He bought a 1L Tetra Pak wine container.
Just like the milk packs.
I was behind him at the cashier. It stank even stronger. This man was in a miserable state. So I asked myself, after having worked on my father’s story, what saved my father from becoming like this man? He had a lot of ” possibilities” to fall so low.
What was that this man in front of me- stinking like hell, with a dummy smile on his face, holding his little precious potion with such tenderness close to his chest- What was it that he gave up to?
The belief in love. The belief that he deserves love and light. He chose to become a junk of meat. And we, people around him, helped him in doing that by pushing him away, far away from our beautiful and sparkling homes. I am not saying that we should take him home and let him sleep in our bed. He can’t understand that his presence might be dangerous now.
I am saying that we should hold a mental and emotional space for him, let him be as he is, don’t judge him. Let him be.
One day maybe, he will open up his eyes, look up into the sky and decide that he wants to get there. He wants to be alive again.
The man spread his poignant “perfume” away as he was moving slowly towards the door. The cashier was evidently disgusted. She washed her hands with a disinfecting lotion cleaning the desk also.
The man carried with him a backpack. You know what? It was the same kind of back up I used to have while in China, the same one my father took away with him on his journey. The green, military backpack.
I hope that I will never have to carry it again. I hope that my father will never have to carry it as well.
I pray for this stinking man that he one day lets light into his heart.
Licking wounds- Part 2
1.Please tell us about a period in your life when you experienced a negative mental state. Why do you think it was so?
The moment when I became aware of the fact that we have to separate in order to let peace reign and to make my brothers/partners see that I was not causing the decline of our business, that moment was difficult.
Intellectually I could get it, but something in me could not understand why, after so many years of facing difficulties together, when new possibilities seemed to appear and we could have started again and rise. Besides this exterior conflict I was facing an interior one. There were moments when I could not answer simple questions, my mind was foggy and I could not concentrate.
Now I understand, along the years I invested my heart and my soul in this business, it was like a child, taken care of and loved. I had high hopes. It was the job of my life and the fact that it was over knocked me off completely and I lost the desire to live.
2.Please talk about what is helping you to continue, how did you manage to get through these moments of deep negativity and desperation?
The family has always been for me something saint. I take seriously my parent and family founder role. In situations when the family is in danger or affected by different problems, all emotions , regrets and insecurity disappear. A higher internal power commands over the mind and until I don’t find a solution I am insensible to issues, being rejected or other difficult situations.
3.How often did you call home or speak with the family?
If the profit of the phone companies would depend on how long I talk on the phone, for sure they would go bankrupt. I am not a fan. I used to talk to my family one time a week. In case there were emergencies of course I deviated from this rule.
4.There was a period when Olga (my mother) was feeling very bad. I could not manage always to help both her and myself. It seems that she had a hard time dealing with loneliness. How do you deal with loneliness? Do you think that it is a curse or a blessing?
When someone is concentrating too much on their own person feelings of dissatisfaction regarding their life can come up. They are comparing what they have to what other people have. They feel alone, unhappy, unlucky. Life is so as we build it. It is the result of our mind.
Loneliness is neither a curse or a blessing. It is a human emotion. It is the compass showing us that the vibrations of our soul are in dissonance with those of the environment.
I did not feel this emotion even though I wanted to see the people I love.
6.How did you manage to deal with the physical requirements of the job?
When I look around I see a lot of ill people, so many diseases and I remain somehow bewildered. Sometimes I think that people wish these illnesses for themselves and they look for them. (*As a way to escape life, dealing with emotional imbalance) Maybe I have to thank my parents first, for the strong genes. Now at almost 90 years old they are still active and are taking care of themselves and the house.
Yes, constructions work is difficult and physical effort is constantly needed. But, anything which seems complicated in the beginning can be sectioned in smaller easier part- this is the principal guiding me.
7.What advice would you give to a young man thinking to try his luck in Russia, Portugal or any other country?
I don’t see anything wrong if someone has decided to go and look for their purpose in a different country. This planet is our house. This is a courageous step, a step requiring maturity. It is also a way in which one can check and grow their abilities and will. It is important though to remember where they came from, to represent their original culture.
For the rest, don’t make strict plans or calculations, they might not happen.
8.How did these absences influence our family?
From a material point of view we did not evolve. On the other hand, the connections between us solidified.We became more attentive with our words, temperament, emotions and desires. My wife doesn’t want to remain alone again. Maybe we could have overcome the difficulties in a different way. But at that time I did not see a different solution and the circumstances couldn’t wait as well.
9.What would you like to say to Valeriu from the past?
I don’t think that I could reproach myself something from the past. The present Valeriu wouldn’t be here otherwise. I learned what the true values are. I was building the dream of my life on sand. Everything changes- people and their beliefs, money and governments, ideologies and systems, also own visions.
In 2008-2009 I was on the candidate list of a party, for the parliamentary elections. I did not get into the parliament, but I got to know the internals of the political world, how the places in the parliament are sold,how people are bought, their votes.
After Moldova got separated from USSR, Moldova got back to their previous currency- Leu. At that time, my parent’s savings, put together for years and years, decreased 100 times.
20.Who is Valeriu of the future?
My sand castle crumbled. Now I am working on building a strong house, with a strong base, based on true values. The real democracy is the Christianity. I let God in my heart and he brought me peace. Now I am passing from a militant christian to being a practitioner.