It is past 4 o’clock AM. I am awake. Have been so for the past hour. The thought that I am back in my Patagonia just hit me.
I am back in Italy.
I am listening to know sounds. In a few moments, at about 5 and something AM, one of the neighbors will go away into the frisky morning on his grumpy scooter. A year before, that was the sign for me that soon I will as well wake up. I will wake up looking into another day in my wild wild southern Europe, central Italy – my Patagonia.
Soon I will be hearing even more sounds. The Persian blinds being pulled up. People coughing. WC’s splashing generously the contents, microwaves humming along, new coffee being created, it’s smell undulating up into the sky like caravan smoke.
Listening and observing is how I have been mapping the outside world a year ago, the one before the Czech Republic.
If the Czech year taught me something than that is to listen and to see without the convenience of choosing what I like.
I had to deal with any situation, from the most annoying( saving money, bills paying) to the most extraterrestrial (talking to angels). I believe I did pass the exam. Now, since I am back in Patagonia, I am challenging myself in applying my new mind to this space so as to transform it. To transform it into a life giving space, where being alive is not only possible but also enjoyable. A year ago it felt as if walking on a radioactive no man’s land. My feet were dry, cracked and callous skin grew back no matter what I did.
Arriving here in August with very good intentions and cement strong desire to work and get independent- I was crashed by the indifference and the literal deserted town. Italy was on holidays. My mind of that time, and even now, can not understand this concept of holidays. The same mind got me through toilet cleaning jobs, the same mind got me into the German kitchen run by a man and a family who drove themselves nuts while trying to put up a nice facade called hard work and luxurious cars.
The same mind got me back to Patagonia. The same mind but with a different vision now.
Let me tell you what my mind has been busy with towards the end of my stay in Brno, Czech Rep or Czechia, as the new name convention. If you have been reading my thought during the last year, you might have observed that I wrote a lot about work, the office environment etc. There is no Oh how beautiful this country is, even if Czechia is beautiful. There is no Oh how marvelous the local food an the local people are, even they might be. I concentrated on understanding WORK from a very simple reason, because I hate it fundamentally. I hate it from the bottom of my heart. I can’t stand sitting in a closed room, for more than 10h/day with the same people! People who don’t even realize how this disposition( the office environment) is modeling their minds and they start splashing copiously shitty discourses all over the place. Body odors, confused minds, callused souls.
Taking bodily showers every day was not enough to feel clean and easy. Only the intentional desire to feel profound peace put into actions could help me stay alive and see differently.
That is why, at the end of my employment time, I decided to do something for my colleagues and the management body as well. Something that is not written here only. Something that is courageous and extremely different from what my normal modus operandi. So I did.
When this intention blossomed in my heart, the exterior world started to play along. I was invited to have a leaving interview with the head of the company. Which is not a small thing if you have the slightest idea of what a corporate structure looks like. This fact proved my theory that any structure is as strong as its leader and his/her relationship with the plebeian layers.
I decide to encourage this kind of approach and talk about my experience in the company in a very sincere, calibrated and good intentioned voice. That is, to see and to present the actual depressing sides and to come up with empowering ideas. To give them something to work with because usually these leading heads don’t know what the life of a simple employee looks like.
During the interview I was asked how come I decided to leave and what would I change. To leave a comfy, warm place, where one is told what to do and what to think is an uncommon action. I do understand that the leading layers were not aware of this nerve in me, a rather versed and exercised voice of me which starts with a whisper (Hm, I guess you should leave..) insists (Leave, this is getting too comfortable and you still have to learn) and if the physical me doesn’t comply, the voice orders (Leave now, the time is up). This voice got me out of the modelling conveyor, conventional life choices and relationships, dead words, spent soul.
So, after the conversation with the leading head I decided to answer in a detailed and well done document. I wrote a 10 pages, tabled form, document in which I presented my view on the situation now, what can be done and why it might not work. The name of this one is “What would I change”. In it I addressed very specific issues which I can not mention here, since I am (pretending to be) under the spell of corporate confidentiality. As I understood later that document was sent to the team leaders. That explained the iced iced babies. Their attitude towards me changed so rush that I still feel like falling into the deep. They perceived it as a personal attack. Which was and is completely out of my intentions.
Not taking this initial earthquake into account, I thought, what the hell, let me continue what I have started! And so I decided to create a document for my colleagues. This one is called ” You are precious” The intention for this one was more of an empowering push and a “Wake up!” call. I changed the format and the language style making it closer to their reality. I did not expect any of them to replay or continue the conversation with me afterwards, I did leave them my email, and the expectation became reality. Again, I can not share this document here since it is full of details that I am not supposed to know, if the spell of the great corporate dragon is to be considered real.
I would have been grateful to have give something like this, a clear cut view on a shitty reality AND very possible actions to be done AND why it might not work that way (so they could look for other solutions).
As I mentioned during the conversation with “the boss”, I choose to consider myself a door opener, someone who can take the first blow, because I’ve learned thought experience that someone must be so if we want to live in a better world.
And I would like to walk though my Patagonia, see the shit, see the light and find a solution.
It is almost 7 AM now. I can hear the sounds. The neighbor left earlier on his noisy scooter. I am here and I am so grateful for having 2 friends, myself and one that is not me.
By the way, Patagonia is indeed ” a sparsely populated region located at the southern end of South America, shared by Argentina and Chile” but it is also an extremely far away land, so far away that it does not exist, where my mother used to go mentally whenever our Moldovan reality was suffocating. She used to mentally send to that Patagonia anything which was not found anywhere, any person who went outside, to any kind of country. For my lovely mother, Patagonia is everything surrounding Moldova. A great unknown.
So, while in Patagonia I will be listening attentively. I will write about it.
My intention, for myself and for the common good, is to create an internal space which is in sync with the higher space, which will then generate a reality where I could walk barefoot.
That is, I want to be peaceful and abundant while awake.
My lovelies regards from Patagonia,