La Famiglia and Anger

Unresolved and ignored issues generate anger.

Anger builds up in time corrugating the emotional body. The next surfice crash, created under normal life conditions, might act as the canvas for this bloody explosion which is anger in motion.

What is to be done, or not done, when faced with an enraged person?What if that person in part of the famiglia thus, his/her anger  is part of you own emotional patrimony. You might feel guilty, attacked, shame and a complice.

Standing still and quiet while splashed by emotional drops of anger  is an act of humanity and love. This is one of the reasons we are here.

I remember my mother’s bursts of anger.I remember my father’s (rare) explosions. My mother is a very active, rather intemperate funny human being. My father is the calm, calculated and pensive part. It was quite usual to face motherly storms. It was a normality that my father will hold his horses. But you never know. That created for my emotional childhood an environment that I find more similar to a deserted area under unbalanced conditions. For a period under dump silence, sometimes tortured by sandy storms.

For a child living under such “atmospheric” conditions the feeling associated to this might be that of the world crashing( September 11.  images) and  hoping that only the sweet death will alleviate the pain. I know that was the case for me first. Then, when I started to put the pieces together and see the whole picture, I started to understand. This is the starting point if a loved person is caught  by the Anger’s taifun. I understood the reasons why my mother was so fast to get on fire (and burn), why my father was so silent, taking everything in until not even him could take everything in anymore. And Bang! my world shattered again! I had to start building all over again.

When an emotional storm is rising around you, choose to stay still and listen, for real. You might even watch the person, kindly. Most of the words thrown out in those moment don’t have a meaning other than providing relief. My mother was very keen on NOT getting that and used to chose to be angry for days and days of silence. This exclusive behavior is putting under very very very strong doubt any remains of trust that might have existed between husband-wife, mother-child etc.

How can we trust a storm that it will be kind? We don’t. We just make the best of it and try to enjoy the silence after. Haha! You wish, that silence is ice cold and marble heavy.

Anyways, this storms are great opportunities to understand your family and so yourself. For those who like the darkest of chocolates.

I had the great chance recently to be part of a such delicately personal situation. Since the persons involved are not part of my direct familiar circle I am not going to refer to them in great detail. I just want to keep an eye on the Anger, which is so incredibly patient that it can wait years for the proper moment and then Bang! it sprinkles it’s refute everywhere. Anger should learn to make compost. That is, to discard its nastiness, the  heaviness and the confusion, little at a time. Like this you can flourish emotionally while consuming your own compost!

I find helpful to stay quiet during anger’s performance, even if the aggressive words might be addressed to you.  Not the “I don’t want to hear this” quite, but the “I am listening to you, talk to  me” quite. Talking over the person or responding, justifying doesn’t bring any alleviation. It only keeps the storm going.

I believe and advise you (yes, you) to see anger, and the discomfort it brings,  as a possibility to see into the emotional space of the people around you and to embrace them for having the courage to be so vulnerable that they hurt even the persons who, normally, they care about. Anger means only – I feel misunderstood, unseen, ignored, alone, needy, left out emotionally.

If you really care for the enraged person, (if you are part of the Famiglia you should care because it affects you very much so) I would suggest to let the poor human cool off, get your mind and heart together and offer an embrace. Then understand.

La Famiglia is not only the cradle where we grow up and take shape, it is the emotional container through which we heal ourselves and also contribute to the general healing and evolution. Italian Famiglia(s) are just a very intense, spicy and heated up kind of cradles.

Moldovan too!

Watch out, you might get your ass burned ! Jump jump!




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