I am still working on the last post about the religions I’ve known , but another interesting theme came across- perspectives on money. I did not want to let it go or wait, since I believe this is something we are struggling these days, so here is my take, at the moment, on money.
I hope this will bring clarity for you too. And maybe you will find new forces, new perspectives.
We have to go back in time in order to understand something. The same with money. I will address different perspectives by asking myself questions.
What did my childhood teach me about money making?
The environment I grew up in Moldova was truncated in regards to money. Broken into pieces.The gap between rich and poor people is huge in Moldova. But my parents, and the family at large, had a healthy attitude with money in the beginning.
My father and his brothers were quite prolific in ideas and they worked hard to put those ideas into action. There were a few of them.
I remember the incubators in my grandmother’s house holding in a warm embrace all those etching eggs. The light was dim in there. The smell was strong. I could see the little chicks inside, through the thinning egg shell. The embryo inside was eating it away. I knew how to check good and bad eggs, that is, the ones which would be producing or not healthy chicks.
This start-up was not a success because Moldova was in crisis. A deep, heavy crisis of electricity and not only. The eggs do not become chicks unless there is heat. With the electricity going down so often, there was no chance to keep up. I guess, all the unborn chicks died.
There was the tulips’ time, another idea to make money.
My father and his ingenious brothers had built heated and lightened greenhouses for them. It was like entering into another time zone. I could follow the whole process of a tulip becoming a tulip, from planting the bulb to picking up the flower. Then we would sit together, around a mountain of tulips, closing their gentle heads with an elastic, so that they would not open, making bouquets. Then each family would get a batch to sell. It s not funny to be small and sit outside waiting for buyers during Moldovan winters. But we had to do it until it did not work anymore.
Then there was the furniture start up. The four brothers thought, let’s make some nice, locally made wood window frames, chairs, tables and bookshelves. At that time, when most of the work force had left the country working in Italy and Spain and Portugal and what not, money was coming in back home though them. What do Moldovans do when they have some money?
Usually, during those times even more so, they build or rebuild their house. Or they make a completely new one. Or they modify something to the already new house. It is our national sport. So, making windows seemed like a good idea. It hardly worked for a few years. This activity almost broke up families. It certainly created a very unsure, very unstable environment for the children. The determination to go on like this, even though it was not profitable, poured gas on the fire.
Oh yeah, the family burned itself.
Then there was the home shoes selling period.
At that time, “Floarea”, a local factory, was producing these heavy soled home shoes. How did they make the sole? Well, the outer part was a stretchable, gummy material, the inside was containing a wood piece. My father & Co. was producing those pieces!
Only that, the factory was shaken up by the crisis as well, they did not have money to pay. So they payed in shoes. Tones of home shoes. There was a room at my grandmother’s, the headquarters for the businesses and any family gathering, full of these home shoes in sacks. Shoes not money.
A great disappointment wave washed the family to the bone. How do you get to money? By selling the shoes. So, that’s what we did. Each of the four families got their share of shoes and good luck with that. For a long period, that was my weekend activity. I had to get over classmates laughing at me, because I was working and not playing like them.
My father & Co. wanted enough money to cover their families’ needs. There was this idea going on, that we don’t want a lot, only a little.
If you think about it, that is perfectly true and it became reality. They shrinked their needs in order to shrink their expenses. Moldova’s life force was shrinking as well. That is how the gate towards inhibition was opened.
After these years of trying to make money and just little successes, the ideas about money changed in my family. Now they were the eye of the devil. Rich or well doing people were working for the devil. The only way to get to some money is through hard work, perspiration and being a good, honest person. If someone has money it is because they are serving the devil.
Now, these ideas are justifying the situation of the family during the crisis. They needed something, a perspective that would make their failure understandable. It was decided that money is schmutzig, unclean.
What did life teach me about money?
Here I am coming out of childhood, entering adulthood, making my first independent steps through life. The question was not, what do I do now, how do I live, how do I enjoy it? The question was( always) how do I make some money to sustain myself.
Me going to study in Romania was a decision based on that, on lack of money. I went there because I got the scholarship. It would have been such a burned for my parents to have to pay for my university as well. I wanted to avoid that at all costs. The desire to study was there, of course, but the thought that “because of me” my parents would have to spare on winter wood or food and clothes, that was not going to come from me.
Me accepting the job of a model was based on my desire to have a job, to help my parents financially. It is strange, I saw it as a job entirely, not as the vast majority see it – something exciting and nice and good for you. For me it was just a way to make myself useful. No wonder I had such trouble with myself while doing it. I was supposed to be happy in the pictures but I was concerned.
I did little money in fashion. Even though I was working my ass of. That whole industry is a monster that most people don’t understand and for sure it is not the money machine the majority consider it to be. I almost died in there. Physically and and spiritually. I could have become more but that would have been such a lie. Such a disgrace to the world.
With modeling I did enough to keep me alive. Enough to pay back some of my family’s debts, my sister’s rent. I did not have to do that, but I considered it right.
The other jobs I had followed the example. They kept me alive, barely making it. I did not manage to help my parents yet, in the way I wanted, because I did not learn how to help myself first.
It is such a difficult step to get out of the old mind frames. The one regarding money even more so, because it touches on self worth, respect for yourself and the family, belonging, life itself and how you live it.
If we think better, money is not the amount you have on your account, money is life energy, life force. It is energy. It is neutral at first. It is negative or positive according to the use you give it and what it does to you.
What does money really mean to me?
Here it is, this marvelously difficult questions.
Even now, writing these words down, I have this angst feeling coming up. Money is tightly going hand in hand with fear for me. On one hand.
On the other hand, when I manage to have a job, a source of financial support, I feel empowered and useful. I feel that I deserve to live. I know, this is neither healthy nor sustainable, but this is the truth now. If can’t sustain myself financially lose in everything, self worth, self care, living desire. I am learning now to undo this, since I put myself in a jobless situation.
My biggest challenge is to try and change all my perceptions about money linked to my worth as a human being. I feel that this is going to be the solution to my problem with money.
Maybe this is the solution for you too.
If you are in a position when you are making plenty of money but you don’t enjoy what you are doing, before throwing everything away, take some time and make a plan first please. It is nobody’s responsibility to take care of you, but yours.Or why not use the money you are making by investing in a future that you would like to experience?
I did not know how to handle what I had before, but that doesn’t have to become a forever situation. I know that I am a kind and caring person now with very little money. If I unlock the power of myself, towards a life of plenty that is corresponding to my beliefs, working for those beliefs, I know that I could be n times more caring and kind, doing things for others on a larger scale. I can be a kind, caring financially covered person. It will not transform me into a monster and my parents would not bring the priest to get the devil out of me.
Now I believe that a life of plenty is possible if you let it happen. If you get over yourself and let it happen. Which is scary.
What would I do if I was 1000% sure that there is plenty and I wouldn’t have to work another day in my life?
Another difficult question.
But here are a few things that I would do:
- solve the logistics of living on Earth (housing, bills,food, transportation) for me and my parents.
- invest in eco agriculture and environment
- invest in education (a school or another form of learning. Learning about human beings would be a main focus).
- invest in technology (helping old people to live easier). The kind of technology with enlarges our human horizons (going to another planet and checking it out 🙂 for example)
- support artists, creatives, inventors, handicraft people etc.
- support and invest in the psychology field (hospitals, research).
- spend my days doing what I like without remorses…
- learning new things just for the fun of it, not expecting them to become sources of money.
- create a community of like minded people who are just as eager as I am about discovering life.
Now I dare to ask you, what would you do if starting from tomorrow there would be plenty of money for you, always, forever?
Sending light and love towards you,