I just got rejected. Again.
It was a job I was really interested in, happy to take on all the responsibilities and hours spent on learning, outside the working hours even. Ready to get on board and respect the values of this particular company (since they are quite similar to mine, as far as I can look into).
Why? That is what I would like to know.
I asked the HR, person who did the Skype interview with me, may I kindly know why so that I can improve or avoid making the mistakes the next time? I have very low expectations from this email. She is not going to answer since this would be a step out of the procedure. They found what they needed. Who cares about the rest.
And now here I am, rejected, left out, not accepted, not understanding why. Again.
During the interview I did my best to answer all her questions and made questions of my own, which I find suitable at this point in the process. If I would choose to be unkind I could point out things in her attitude (rocking on the chair, looking away while I was talking or struggling to get the message across…) that were disturbing.
Did I not provide the right answers? What are the right answers? Was I too generous with positive words about the company ? Why so, from everything I read there are mainly good things to say. Should I have made more questions? I think that at this point this is not useful.
I could concentrate on all that. But I decided not to. Which is a great leap forward for me. Some years ago I would have spiraled down into depression, self harming, eating disorders, regression in all aspects of life.
This time I will not.
I decided to do this instead:
- I will concentrate on my next step. I will trust God * and let him guide me further on. What if, from unknown reasons to me, this is a better decision? What if by doing this job, which would have implied a very scattered schedule, possible night shifts as well, what if this would have damaged my health even more? I have lived already through years of unorganized working hours and sleep deprivation. It almost killed me.
- I will get even more curious. What if there is another possibility out there for me? What if I have to search inside of me and come up with my own “work”, invent my occupation?
- I will get even more creative. I have been “forced” into creativity many times before, which is maybe one of the best things that can happen to you. Not right there, in the despair, but at a greater level. In time. What if this is the same? I have done the first steps already. There is a Facebook page where I share my creations, at the moment. If you please, check it out from time to time : Lovegenerator
If you are not in the position when snapping fast out of the sadness, produced by rejection, is possible (like me this time) don’t beat yourself up. Take the time to get yourself back into a normal state of being, of straight thinking. This might mean 1 year or two months or one day. It depends on the depth of the pain and your endurance, how long will you stay in the realm of shadows.
I will leave you with one message, if nothing above touched you.
Learn to be your own friend, your own supporter. There will be moments in life when you will be left alone. Rejected. Not selected. Not suitable. Those are the moments when you have to count on you and the power of your spirit. I believe that this is a valuable way of being in the world today.
God*– a friend made an important remark regarding the word God. I want to add an explanation.
He asked if I really believe in the existence of some kind of divinity who is watching from above.
No, I don’t, as a matter of fact.
But, for better understanding, I advised him to read everything I have been writing in order to grasp my definition of “God”. I particularly chose this word in this blog post, knowing that there is so much antagony. People refusing to use this word so as not to seem religious or stupid. Or using it without knowing what it is.
But, want it or not, God is love and God is the spirit in each of us. When I say ” I will trust God” I talk about trusting the spirit, the love, the good, the soft, the light, the joy in people and in me which will be my guide through despair.
God is this force of good that is inclusive and kind. And it is in all of us, naturally. During life we tend to trade it for many other things.
If this friend would allow me a personal remark, I would remind him of our friendship. There were many moments when I wanted to just cut it out (he likes to stretch the cord) but God = the humanity in me, the empathy, the care told me = made me feel, not to. And this is what friendship is, right?