This is the dilemma of our time. Talking, being connected, reactive, responsive, always present, always there.
I am not going to get into the side effects of this way of being, nor the positive effects. I will make some suggestions instead centered on this main thought- how to be really present with what really matters.
During the last few days two occurrences have drawn my attention.
The first one is about a friend who was so tormented with the fact that he might have to refuse a group of his friends. This group of friends used to form a band and now, after some years, they want to start again. The person I know realised that he can’t make it. It would be just overwhelming, taking into account all the rest he already does. Since this is Italy, choosing to say No to a group of friends becomes a crime. It becomes I don’t want to spend time with you, I have other better things to do. The group pressure is doubled by the guilt inside the No sayer, thus the felt pressure, at heart level, is tremendous. In fact, this friend was torn between regrets and guilt for days!
The second one is about a situation we have in my family. We are spread all over Europe. My parents are in Moldova, my sister is in Netherlands, I am in Patagonia…oops, I meant Italy. The big problem (talking to each other) is formed by three smaller problems, (Moldova life, Netherlands life, Patagonia life) which give birth to very small but insistent problems (no internet, PC dead, no mobile internet, no SIM card or credit, no job thus day and night stress, too much job thus day and night stress etc).
How to get out of this crap?
How can the Italian friend continue existing, without bleeding to death of sorrow? How can Patagonia reach one hand and connect to Moldova which is already holding Netherlands tight? (Too tight?)
I feel that this is, more than anything, a problem concerning one’s personal borders and preferences.
I chose to crack this one open, with love and clarity. Maybe it helps someone out there.
1.Get clear on what is important for your soul. Make feeling at peace a priority.
Feeling at peace is when you are doing that which is slightly difficult, when you learn something and take care of others. It means also listening to those important to you. You don’t want to be held back by regretful thoughts. You want your energy/soul to be in the same room as your head. So, say so. This is important for me, I am going to do this now, I am not going to do that because it is not making me peaceful.
I, for example, dislike a lot when others try to get control over my time or activities. I really need silence and solitude.
2. Know how much you can/ want to carry at the moment. The overload must be eliminated.
There are days, or whole periods, when I am pinned flat to the ground. That is the feeling of despair and overwhelm upon me. I can’t breath or understand anything happening around me. Can’t decide what am I supposed to do or why. Feeling like this taught me to unload. Just get back to the basics. Build a way of thinking and doing that is not accumulative but going through things.
This I can, this I can not now.
3. Be clear. When you state what you are trying to do most people understand and even support that.
Once you have decided what you can do, communicate it to the implied parties.
I communicate to Moldova that I might not be available at all times, that I am trying to build something out here in the modern wilderness of Patagonia. I communicate to Netherlands that even though it has my whole support, I might not be always available. But most of the times I am, because it is important, it makes me peaceful to be close during difficult times. I also communicate that I dislike skyping or any other way of videoing. I hope they will understand. The thing is, I have this secret curiosity of not seeing someone for a while so that I can have a surprise later.Just another strangeness of mine. I do the same with places or books.
4.Go into the conflicting situation with sincerity and openness.
Yes, it will hurt but this is the only way to get through.
Say: This is what I can do now, if you are willing to understand, thank you. If they are not willing and still pushing, you might have to take a silence break.
In my case, Moldova and sometimes Netherlands, feel that I am not communicating enough. Which makes me wonder since I am writing this very blog, also for this purpose, to let them know that I exist. Mainly I try to create a very personal and direct connection with the whole world, of which Moldova, Netherlands and Italy are also part!
5. Send good energy.
In other words, pray = talk in your head, as you most probably already do. For example my case: Victoria you are such a stupid Moldovan woman in Italy. You can’t even get a proper job! I might transform that into: Victoria, you have been brave all you life in most incredible situations. You can do this also.You will find the way. Have patience and take it step by step.
Turn the regret, the guilt, the confusion into good thoughts (yeah, you can do that! ) and send them mentality to the concerned. People can feel what you think.