How to talk to people you don’t want to talk to, but must?

That is a long title for something I could gather into: How to talk to most people? But I wanted to express the confusion entailed in the communication process.

In my previous post on communication I concentrated on how to identity your personal boundaries & needs, how to let people closest to you  know that this is what you’ve got at the moment, no need to push and pull. I also spoke about how to stay in touch, on a mental level, with family or friends, with whom you hopefully want to talk, but can’t.

Today I am going to start a series of posts on how to talk to the rest of the world.

People popping out in your life and staying there for more than 3 minutes. The boss, the angry cashier, the customers service, the interviewer, the clients, the neighbours, the wife, the husband …Outch! we are entering hot spots here!

So, for this courageous endeavour I am going to rely on my innate peace searching soul and also on the book Nonviolent Communication. A language of life by Marshall B.Rosenberg, PhD. 3rd edition. This book is pure gold and such a relief. There is a way to talk to people and get somewhere!



The main thought to keep in mind, since the departure, is that during any conversation  we have one basic choice, to treat people with love or not.

Most sane people would probably chose a loving treatment. But how to apply it without farsi coglionare?

How can we apply love on a crazy boss yelling and cursing?Or the boss searching sexual attention? How should governments communicate inside war zones? What about the annoying customers? Even more so, the annoying colleagues sitting right in your face? How can the morous wife and the taciturn husband finally see each other and, maybe, even hear each other?

There is hope.

Hope is brought this time by the author of the above mentioned book. This human being is a miracle. I should say was. In 2015 Marshall B.Rosenberg, PhD departed for another challenge, to another world, but he left us with his work to munch on.

Maybe you already have it in your library (or the nearby bookshop) since it has been translated into more than 30 languages and sold over 1 million copies worldwide. He founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication ,(site undergoing changes at the moment), an international peacemaking organisation. 

Peace needs to exist locally first.Community level- family level- personal level before it could exist internationally.

And this is going to be our starting point.

After that I am going to present the non violent communication process (NVC) step by step.

Talking about personal levels, right?

It happened to me a few weeks ago when a rejection, (a generic rejection, another bad written rejection) came my way and it made me angry.

It made me so angry that I thought: Shit, I have to do something to pave the way for those who are going to experience this selection process. This shitty selection process when companies come, play their overpowering role, make one waste whole hours and days in fucking preparation and in the end drop you like a dead leaf. “Not good for us.” We prefer others.” 

Like so:  

A pleasure meeting me? It did not seem so to me. You, dear (non)HUMAN RESOURCES person, where fidgeting on the fucking chair while I was telling you my life story. Maybe I was candidate Nr 59, I don’t know, but still let’s just cut the non truth related things.

“We have chosen to move forward with other…”  Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?

During the interview she mentioned that they were not looking specifically for experienced or not experienced people, that I can exclude (I have experience). She made me different questions…maybe I did not give the expected answer? I am not planning to stay in Italy, if there is no job at the horizon, I did mention that, is that a problem since this was a remote job, for those located in Italy? Will never know. Would very much like to know.

Why, fucking why than? What is it that I did not bring to the table, what is it that is missing? Not intelligent enough? Not what? I can face it, just tell me.

And so I did something.

After taking a break and a deep breath, ordered my thoughts, I wrote an email to the (non)HUMAN RESOURCES person.

It was short and straight to the point.

Like hers was not.



A week went by.

Enough time for me to send out more applications without knowing what am I doing.The process of finding a job in Italy is completely different to what happens in other European countries, and it is so confusing! It is like talking under water. That rejection unbalanced me, indeed.

I have been rejected before but I always knew why. For example, in the fashion industry I did thousands of castings. I did not get all the jobs, of course. But most of the times I knew why. The casting team was looking for someone blond, taller, slimmer, fuller. I was rejected by many other companies but I kind of got that we were not a match.

I believe the reason why this rejection affected me so much is that I had high expectations from them.  I was convinced of having found a good communication partner.

This was my non violent answer (even before reading the book!)


The inicial test is the 1.30 hour long online test that I did in order to even be considered for a Human to Human conversation. I even liked it.

This company makes a good impression on the market, it has good reviews everywhere I looked. I was expecting to experience something of that elevated attitude as well.

They want to attract the best by discarding the unnecessary. An understandable business choice, but we are talking about human beings here, not stones or tea spoons. Thinking about all the rejected candidates – what did they take away from this experience? Did they understand why ? Did they change something in their way to present themselves during an interview?

With such a sterile answer, I doubt it!

I guess, after all, this company too is playing excellency within a certain range,  interested in using the best for their own interests. I mentioned in the last email that I still believe this to be a good place for people, if only they would clear up their way of expressing. 

I actually believe that language, the words we speak, create life. That is why I fight for clarity. Italian candidates really need a hand and clarity at the moment.

The (non)Human Resources person never got back.


I will get back next time, to talk about the first two steps in the NVC process. It could improve the way you make yourself understood.







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