These are the last few days that I am going to spend in Italy. A change is about to happen.
The expression in Fiorentino applies to me and to the place I am now and to the world. It translates to: Oh! What are you waiting for, for Jesus to come? The Messiah we are all waiting for is only to come through our spirit. This is the meaning of the name, the symbol it stands for.
Here is my message to Italy:
Now I can’t wait no more. Not for your revival, not for any other kind of Godot.
A few months ago I decided to return here and give me and you another chance, hoping that I would find a place where my presence would be useful and needed. That was my chance to finally have a place to call home.
But you are cold, distracted, unresponsive, all over the place.
I do not have a specific aim that I want to reach by age 35 or so. I have a life long commitment instead, to living from my heart, with integrity. I tried to live it here with you, but it doesn’t work.
While I can speak a few languages in business environments ( I tried to do it here) you want me to clean toilets, hotels rooms, kitchens, serve tables and whatnot. You want me to give up my curiosity about life and what my heart and mind can create only because you need someone to stumble upon and to blame for the mess.
I am capable of other things and that is why I decided to leave. You don’t believe in me. I do. You just need my blood so that your confusing drama could go on for over.
You remind me of my home country, Moldova.
Another place where dreams crumble into infinitesimal pieces. Another place I wish I could call home. Another place where mothers pay a high price just because they want their children to have a better life. They pay with their own lives.
A place where fathers come and go, like the wind. Because they have to. Do you understand that, Italy? A father and a mother who can’t raise their children because the place where they live is ordered by other rules, or caught in between antagonistic forces.
I guess you do understand that. There are many poor people coming to you looking for a home. Maybe you are overwhelmed. Maybe you are angry and don’t understand why you. Well, maybe it is because you can? Have you thought about that?
They say: But Italy is so beautiful!
It may as well be, but what am I to do with this beauty when my experience is imbibed with fear and the shier feeling of homelessness? Of not belonging, of falling into a grander than the grand canyon…
I am going away with a few resources, just to get me started in a new place on Earth but my inner strength is unmeasurable. Thank you for that, Italy. You are my boot camp. You might say that it is about time for me to stop, at my age. I am telling you instead that I am forever, my soul is what I am, not only this flesh. I have all time in the universe and I will follow my inner voice. You can’t stop me.
I knew that this might happen, remember? I wanted to try and I did. There was a little hope …
You look at me and say:
Look, Victoria, can’t you see that you are doing everything by yourself? I am just staying here, doing my thing, while you want who knows what from me. Just leave me alone! You don’t want to give me what I want, than leave me alone. You don’t have what I want, deal done. Go! Go! find you home somewhere else. I am not your home, your friend…
Italy, I met young Italian people all over the world, you don’t want them either? They are your children. They are intelligent young people, with sparkling eyes, plans and power in their arms. I might be a stranger here, but they are your fucking chilren. They are also looking for a home. Why can’t you be it? I think you could.
Italy- Oh, icchè t’aspetti, i’ Messia che venga?
Moldova- Oh, icchè t’aspetti, i’ Messia che venga?
Victoria- Oh, icchè t’aspetti, i’ Messia che venga?
Mother, father, sister, friends– Oh, icchè v’aspette, i’ Messia che venga?
Messiah or Jesus, or any other God or deus ex machina happening, happens when the spirit is present.
The spirit is present when the human will allows it. When you go beyond the ego mind (the one busy with who said what, fighting to be right and precious) and see, feel and contribute with your energy to the expansion of real life. The care, the love and the force that the spirit is made of, can’t be beaten by any mutilating human rule. No social rules can restrain light to be bright.
So, Italy, I will continue to show up in this life but on my own rules. You are just a part of it, not the deciding factor.
Let me take my chance.
Good luck with the elections, Italy.