It happens when I sleep, when I work or cool down. It is always on.
I can choose to be aware of it or not. I can choose to get involved or get distracted. I can chose to be the victim of my pain or to try and tame it, if not befriend it.
Today I want to talk to you about why it is important to look inside. To see the level you are at. To kind of , take a step away from yourself and observe what is going on. I have been doing that since a little girl.
It is important because this is the only way to move on. We are always in the middle of learning something.
Where am I at now? What are my current lessons? These are the things I have been involved for the past months and even years.
1.Recognize and respect boundaries. Mine and those of other people. I can respect others only if I recognize my own needs.
This one touches upon very personal choices of which I do not usually talk about. I am not an expert in relationships, romantic relationships that is, those that in time become families and kids and gardens and wine cellars and jam and bread…But I have very clear feelings about what I want.
I am now at a point when I experience what I want. Has been so for the last three years.
It took me time to recognizing and accepts the fact that I need space. Mentally and physically. A lot of it. My partner understands that and, even better, gives me the possibility to be like that. To change even.
That is such a precious situation to be in. This fact encourages me to continue being authentic and real in daily situations, when interacting with different people in different situations.
Coming from that ensuring feeling into the world I understood that people are not going to hate me if I am not joining them, at all times or because I spend, happily, most of the time on my own.When we meet I am completely present.
Of course, this needs and boundaries thing can become dangerous and selfish. I do keep it under eye and I give all my attention to those surrounding me, when time comes. This is in fact the main reason why respecting yourself is important- because you are part of a community, a family, a group. You can influence them to better if you are healthy.
That is why also I decided to be active in the community created at work. I will get involved in the newsletter creation, for example. I will offer them and myself the possibility to be human in circumstances (work/business/corporate) when this is not the main point. When I have a clear proposal of how my section/page in the newsletter will look like, I will let you know!
So, if you do get involved with someone romantically chose someone who is going to act for your best interest. That implies selflessness and sincerity on both sides. It implies courage to see the darkness inside the other one AND go beyond that. Deep down we are all made of light.
Knowing and respecting yourself goes hand in hand with my next lesson. But for the sake of clarity I will address only one side of it in the next point.
2.Recognize my worth. I am referring here to money specifically. Like it or not, money is the worth evaluator in the world today.
I cannot expect the whole world to take me as I am (kind, loving and funny) and pay me for that. Even if it would be cool.
Money, how much I ask, is what determines my worth on the market. This is such a painful fact to acknowledge. And so difficult to implement in the reality. It makes you feel dirty and non-spiritual and a fucked up materialis. At least this is the effect it had on me, coming where i come from (poverty) and growing up where I grew up (nature, hardworking people, religion).
I have caught sight of land, after years of wondering in a very large, deep and steep ocean. A blurry and never ending world.
Let me tell you about the most recent painful lessons. While looking for a job in Italy I was in a state when I would have said (as I did a year ago) yes to everything. That state lead me to cleaning toilets and rooms and years worth of dirt in the kitchen, an Italian castel, up on a hill, outside the city.
Another similar one. The job I got in Germany, Zeltingen Rachtig, as a waiter is part of the same blurry series. I did want to work and be independent, but I did not know how to integrate this idea of myself (hard working, worthy) with the reality (say how much , you go as far as your ideas about yourself take you).
Fortunately, my spirit was awake that time also and left that place shortly, after having been yelled at by a (broken) man, playing the boss.
From there I got the job in Brno, which was healing, for that stage. Observing myself at that point, from the now point, I was quite arhaic.
Some more. Italy, 2018. Florence, Toscana. No job as far as you can see. Desperation and self doubt again. I could have fallen back down the rabbit hole and take a job only for the sake of having something to say I do. But I did not. This is the moment when I became aware of why I am having these difficulties with money. Because I had to learn to present a version of myself to the world and communicate in a way that makes clear that bullshit is not allowed. This is how I got this job.
But before that I was rejected quite often. A platform on the internet where one can register as a freelancer, open to anyone in fact, rejected my profile. Because I chose a price too low. They did not state it clearly but I know this is is. In my understanding asking that much money was a good strategy for a beginner. But they saw it from another level, that is, their community of professionals would have been affected if there would be someone charging less than the average.
Boom. It hit me.
Why the hell did I ask for so little? Well yes, because I need just a little in reality, but on the market that means that I am unworthy. Not worth the time, the effort, the nothing.
Then, two more experiences of the same kind when I did not know how to handle the money aspect. One for the Italian market, one for the Czech market. I was astounded by my childlike level when negotiation of a salary is implied. I would say, oh, you give me that much, ok, I will lower all my needs and I will try to survive even with that little.
Completely wrong for the market and for myself!
This fact says about me : I am fine with anything, even nothings, because I do not know better.
But I do!
The lesson of calibrating my needs to what the market has to offer is in progress. As all mentioned here.
3. Listen to my intuition- Let my voice speak. Here I am referring to the fact that I will spend time only with what matters to me, in that specific moment. And I will do what feels good and joyous to do, not what is supposed be right.
For example, I will come to Prague and sleep in an empty room, on the floor, if I feel like this is what I have to do in order to be real, sincere, open, human. Heart.
By doing so, I see how things come together. Facts and people bind, correspond, flow. The force of my spirit is growing.
And I am free.