How to stay alive in a world so busy and lonely as ours? How to feel? How to relate to other people in a genuine way?
By giving what you wish to have. Becoming it.
I have been concentrated on giving back this past week. Let me tell you what I did and what happened.
1.I said thank you to the office manager for having created a beautiful space for us to exist and work in.
I have been intending to do so ever since I got in the new office. This office is miles away, in terms of arrangement, design, atmosphere, space available for us to breath, from all my previous office experiences. How could I say thank you and not seem needy or seeking attention? Well, I guess there is a right moment for everything, we just have to be patient and grateful for what is.
This Monday, as my gratefulness week kicked off, I did it. It was terrifying and beautiful. I am not the kind of person who tries to get attention by all means or to touch shoulders with the “important” people, that’s the reason for being a little scared, don’t want to be perceived as someone in need of validation.
Which is also the tricky part about giving back.
When you do it people might understand that you are actually asking for something. How to cure that possible perception? By being grateful and generous constantly.
In this case, I received a very positive replay which encouraged me to do it again.
2.I said thank you to my sibling
I thanked for that way of being (absent). I thanked for the (violent) silence (my perception, my need, my wound). For being misunderstood. I come to see now, this attitude is not intentional. At least I hope. If not, then I have a huge reason to be deeply sad an dig in my gratefulness bag even more.
This schizophrenic way of being brothers and sisters is actually a great chance to open the heart, but it has to be an intentional choice to see it that way. Oh boy, didn’t I choose that! Otherwise it is sheer pain, constant bleeding. I am grateful for this (fucking) chance but I wish it were differently. I suppose, I still have a lot of work to do here. So, yeah, in this case I did not receive the answer I was so very much in need of. Now I will know where not to present my need.
3. I thanked my parents for existing
My parents, and the family in general, is a sour point for me. I do not believe in the traditional way of creating families. I believe in larger communities. Not the hippy style though. The traditional separated family cell does us less good than we might know, my experience. My parents are so fragile and transparent and nevertheless almighty, surrounding the whole damn world around myself. They created the bubble I come from. The one I broke. Currently putting the parts back together. If I take a look at myself, I play that role for them, I am part of their bubble.
How well am I doing? I don’t know but my aim is to keep us awake.
My parents answered. In their fashion, assuming that something is wrong with me. It seems that they are associating thank you emails with something gone wrong. I just expressed my gratefulness for having them as parents, since this gives me the possibility to parent myself, to become a mother for myself, a father and a sister. While doing that I do not reject them as they are, but try to take it a step further. And help others by doing so.Being the Lovegenerator that I am.
4. I thanked the sun in the morning. I thanked the grass for growing up again. I thanked the birds for chirping. I thanked for the energy I have so that I can work and feed myself. I thanked my feet for walking and my eyes for seeing. My heart for being so alive, constantly pumping blood though this package I travel in the world with.
I thanked God for letting me find some money on the street one morning in Prague. One dark morning when I woke up form nightmares, wondering if there would be something to eat that day and that week, the help came.
I found 2000 Czech Koruna on the street.
A few years back, I found 20 Lei in the snow, while going to school. My mother was crying the night before because we had no food, no oil. Having sun flower seeds oil in the house meant being all right, for her. We did not have it. So the next morning , while walking towards school, worried about us, my mother, my father I found the money.
I thank you life for being with me, even when I seem to forget it.
5.I thanked (mentally) my passive aggressive colleague for treating me as if I were not there, not worth of being taken into consideration, helped, understood. It helps me stay awake and self evaluate my behavior.
What I understood from being around her for the past 2 months – she is actually asking for love and friendship. She doesn’t yet have the right methods to do so, just a huge reserve of acid to pour on everything seeming too good to be real.
I give her back the time to heal and will not react in the same way.
My conclusions after a concentrated week of giving back gratitude, silence and acceptance:
-it is always worth it, even if you are not being asked for it
-you might get burned (those whom you expect to answer in the same way, might ghost you, as in my case) and be born again. Yeah, like that famous bird!
-do not give when you are yourself drowning. Don’t use masked gratitude to get a certain result. Just state your need in that case and trust that it will be fulfilled, one way or another.
Next time I will tell you about another experiment and the lessons I learned. Many interesting things coming your way!
Thank you for being alive